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6/26/10

Villains: The Pen-Island Predator


My 13 week old blue weimaraner puppy has been satiating her drive to chew on just about anything: magazines, yoga mats, human flesh, siding from the house and, just recently, my driver’s license (I now have holes in my face). Fortunately, there exists a spectacular god-send of a product with the ability to halt the chaos for a good hour. This miracle product was patented under the name “Bully Stick” and I’ve always been slightly unclear on what exactly it is. Regardless, the little fiend finds them overwhelmingly pleasing, ignoring all outside distractions while her tiny dagger-like teeth grind away at its tasty redwood-brown exterior. Each one is about 12 inches long and has the texture of rawhide or a pig ear. My dad summed it up perfectly when he said “it’s just a long hard stick!” I capitalized on the opportunity to make several other observations. Read: Wow she really likes that stick!...You wanna play with the stick, baby girl?...Look at her go on that thing…Oh man! She dropped the stick!!!...One at a time honey, don’t be slutty-er-greedy…

My dog literally goes ape-shiz for this thing, so after a couple days I decided it was time to find out what they actually are. Google took .0048 seconds to reveal an enlightening, ironic, but most of all disturbing answer. According to wikipedia, Bully Stick is a brand name for generic pizzle, a word “used today to signify the penis of a nonhuman animal.” A shriek of laughter escaped my gaping mouth and L came sprinting to see what was up. We read aloud in unison, our voices rising to scream level as our horror escalated: “‘Pizzles are almost exclusively used/produced today as chewing treats for dogs. They are a fibrous muscle, and are prepared by cleaning, stretching, twisting and then drying…’ Oh. My. GOD!!”

Little did we know, the most horrifying discovery was lurking several lines below: “‘In addition to being used as a dog treat, pizzles are also eaten by humans for their health benefits such as being low cholestrol and high in protein, hormones, vitamins…’ EW, EW, EW, EW EEEEWWWW!!”

“Of course it’s high in hormones, it’s a freaking penis for gosh sakes!” I screamed. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God!”

The article was wrought with further evidence for the human race’s diminishing palate and lacking moral compass. I’ll let you continue research on your own, though I can’t say I recommend using all five senses on this one. In the meantime, I’ll continue giving my dog Bully Sticks because it keeps her occupied and I kind of like the way she devours some bull bro’s most prized possession. If any guys read this post, I hope they wince. My dog eats testicles. Girl power.

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