A Verbose Late-Night Rant

Five days ago I started a post about a new summer fling, including expectations for our first date, and didn't quite have time to finish it. Four days ago I actually went on the date and then elected to combine two entries comparing expectations and first impressions. Now I find myself in an awkward situation after date number two, when I have decided the fling is actually over. That was quick wasn't it? Embarrassingly quick, in fact. Do I really get bored that easily? I don't think I can honestly chalk it up to bad luck given the fact that this is standard operating procedure for me. I meet a guy when I'm not expecting to, we hit it off, (or at least seem to because I am completely caught off guard) and then exchange info along with vows to "hang out". I am thrilled by the new possible love interest (a.k.a. fresh meat) and flattered by the fact that I gave a decent enough first impression that someone would want to see me again, as opposed to just giving them a temporary chuckle with some ridiculously odd facet of my personality. Assuming we do meet up, one of three things happens, all with the same result. I might discover that they're a douchebag, rude to others and generally not someone I want to associate with. Alternatively, I discover they're kind and shy and by definition awkward, meaning I have to play the role of the male and make all the moves, not something I enjoy doing and am very easily fed up with. The third possibility is that they're nice and sweet and must have been around the block a few times so they expect girls to just fall for that kind of shit. I think those are the worst kind of all.

What's wrong with nice and sweet? I'll tell you what's wrong: A sense of entitlement. I hate when a guy thinks that just because he got your number and hasn't done anything outright wrong, you're going to be head over heels for him. I'd been on one date with this particular boy before tonight (he needs a nickname but is by no means a bro...I'm gonna go with Panda because according to L, his spirit animal is a red panda) and tonight Panda was acting as if we were a freaking item. I was on the phone with my mom receiving some infuriating news about the charades of a family member and panda comes up to me, strokes my hand, and says, in a genuine-sounding, but genuinely fake concerned voice, "Are you stressed? You look stressed."

First of all, if I was stressed, you would not be able to understand, nor know what to do because you don't know me. Our first date was a movie; we've barely even talked before. Don't pretend to offer emotional support when we're practically strangers. Second of all, if you did know me, you would know that when I say "What the hell is wrong with that person?" I am not in need of any emotional support. I don't want a hug--I want to slap somebody. Which brings me to my third point, why are you touching me? Usually when you put your arm around me, it's entertaining for me to debate in my head whether you're serious or not, because if you are serious, then your touch affords nothing more than a humorous reminder of your delusions. Do other girls actually appreciate that? In this situation, I'm already pissed, so it just makes me want to smack you for being so belittling.

Occurrences like these kept me in a constant state of disgust towards Panda this evening, as we went on a double date with L and her new boy toy. Thank God Ducati was so engaging because the more time I was forced to converse with Panda and his delusions, the harder it was to resist being a cold-hearted bitch. L and Ducati continued to hit it off quite perfectly, however, which made it even more obvious how Panda and I did not get along. I tried to walk the fine line between honesty and manners--I was not interested in him anymore but he was supposed to be my date.

Finally, when Ducati professed a late night burger craving and announced that he had called a cab to take him and L there, I took the opportunity to exaggerate my fatigue and send Panda on his way. He wanted to know what day I want to get together next and I told him I didn't have my work schedule yet. Any guy would tell me I should just be up front and say I don't want to hang out again, but I elected to wait until I was a little less annoyed with him and could thus say so in as nice a way as possible. I suppose it was my fault anyway for not figuring out earlier that he gets on my nerves.

I'm fully aware of how harsh I sound, but I can't help it. Today my brother told me I'm going to die alone because I can't stand if boys call too much. Panda called me four times while I was working the day after we went to a movie...said he just wanted to say hi. That kind of stuff freaks me out. Summer flings are difficult because I'm not comfortable with the idea that someone could own you after a very short period of time so the idea of even trying to move towards that feels incredibly artificial. Panda tried to finish my sentences today and I just found it embarrassing. Let me speak for myself already and stop pretending to be associated with me. I want to speak for myself. I want to be responsible for myself. Very special people I hold near and dear in my inner circle and everyone else just feels like dead weight.

It's 2:28 AM. I've been back at my house for almost 2 hours. L and Ducati are still out on the town. Glad someone's having fun.